First Drive

Impressing Siobhan (NOT)
or
My First Drive

So here we are, its 1987 or thereabouts. We're in Carmarthen in South Wales and it's a clear day. I'm here, Dave, Siobhan and a little yellow Triumph spitfire circa 1976. The other information you need is that I have never driven a car before. Yet last night, drunk on Feinfoel double dragon in the Stag and Pheasant, I arranged to take Siobhan out for a drive. So the scene is set - a sports car - an unqualified and inexperienced driver and some of the most hilly country in Britain. Come with me, won't you, for the the third worst driving experience of my life.

I made sure that my Mum was absolutely out of the house and snuck down to the garage. I had figured a good 1/2 hour to glean the rudiments of driving. I had a book from the library, this is not a joke, some diagrams I had drawn to simplify the layout of the cars controls and a stinking hangover. I suppose checking the car was out of gear before turning the ignition key is something that is covered later on in the book. I didn't really ride that bike I just reversed over. The second thing not covered in the book was the sheer acceleration of the Triumph spitfire in the hands of a novice. With a whine audible to seemingly ALL the dogs in Wales I shot forwards into the garage door. Again, checking that the garage door is open must be covered later on in this crappy book. Backing up from the wreckage I note that I am still able to open it, so some things are going my way. Getting out of the stalled car and walking through 60% carbon monoxide I open the door and meet Ralph, next doors Dobermann, that seems to be interested in two things - adding to my pain by biting me and stopping the still revving Spitfire noise by attacking the tyres. I get back in the car and consult my book. Ok I see the problem, I mixed up the clutch and the throttle, this is getting easier. I depress the trottle and engage the clutch, so far so good. I release the clutch, ok so thats reverse gear. I'll never ride that bike again. I manage to cruise out of the garage at about 10 - 30 mph. Narrowly missing my buddy Ralph I hit Mrs Owens prize rose bush. Next is the lamppost hazard, which I tap and onto the pavement. I am now out of the garage and on the actual road. Bit like an adventure game really. The time now is t + 1 hour and I have discarded the book.

Siobhan is just getting ready and I am on course for the front door via the sidewalk, I would like to say that I chose this route but events led me to take a somewhat sharper right than I had hoped. We are now parked at 45 degrees to the house with the car pointing downhill towards the welsh countryside. It is a beautiful day and all is well. I decide to put the top down and one of the handles comes off in my hand, I suppose it doesn't matter as its such a beautiful day. Out comes Siobhan and she asks if all is well. I smile and wave off the question. With an air of supreme confidence I leap over the door into the drivers seat only slightly banging my privates on the steering wheel. I smile bravely and through the tears I use my new found 1st gear knowledge to set off at my standard 200 mph, the skid marks behind us make a pretty pattern as I brake before our first turn. The Spitfire has great cornering ability and I put this to the test. I find second gear after trying many of the others. Glancing at Siobhan I am amazed, I have never seen a completely green complexion before. We are now headed out of town to a place called Bechfa forest. I should be safe there as the four wheel drive club swears by it. There's no real difference between a land Rover and a Spitfire is there......?

We have arrived at Brechfa with minimal collateral damage and only one serious detour through that garden center. No problem the licence plates fell off after we became airborn crossing that humpback bridge at 60mph. Wow these Spitfires live up to the reputation of their airplane namesake, don't they. Boy when we impacted I thought those sparks would set of the gas tank, luckily that ford we drove through cooled the car somewhat. Siobhan seems to be saying something but the high pitched squeal coming from the engine is rendering it inaudible. The trees marking the line of the tractor path that fate has put us on make a lovely strobe effect as we hurtle towards the quarry. Every now and again I see a sign flash by warning of severe corners and dangerous drops. It really doesn't matter as both sets of wheel are jammed in the ruts caused by centuries of farm vehicles passing this way, the added attraction of the stuck throttle only goes to enhance the experience. It's little like a roller coaster ride. Siobhan is now using sign language to get her point across, my arm is now numb from the repeated punches that she is using to punctuate her sentences. I have difficulty changing gears. Not a problem as the car is now moving using kinetic energy as it is in neutral headed straight down. Ah the quarry turn, right where they said it would be.

Boy the Spitfire corners well, I really didn't think we'd make that turn. We got a great view of the quarry bottom when we were both thrown to the right. The mirrors on the doors make excellent exterior sensors. I thought that gap we went through was way too small but all it did was rip the mirrors off. What did the book say, "if you can get through at 6mph you can get through at 60.", damn fine book I think. We are now headed up a hill and I manage to put the car into a gear, right now I don't know which one but it isn't reverse as we really zoom ahead. The rain starts and I reach behind me to raise the top. Siobhan just stares at me in what I interpret to me admiration. Wow, she must be thinking, he's driving up hill AND raising the top. She must really believe she is in the hands of an expert. The top flaps as its held on by one claspe but no matter the rain is getting in via the open window. Did I mention that the window handle snapped off. We are at the top of the hill.

I suppose it would be a beautiful view but the stuck window wipers are not clearing the screen. We sail blindly down the hill slowed only by the bottom of the car scraping on the pavement. Both wheels are in the ruts up to the axle point. This really is helping me as I am now trying to free the throttle from the carpet it is snagged on. Siobhan has decided to lend a hand by grasping the steeringwheel, wow she's strong. She also seems very intent on explaining something to me. I suppose it can wait. She's bound to be impressed :-)

By Dave James