Dave James' Triumphant Experience

When Seigfried Bettmann started what was to become the Triumph car company I'd take a bet he didn't know what he was starting. Who would? Would any of us sit down and write on a whiteboard our goals are as follows:

Build a car that has the ability to leak oil through supposedly solid metal.
Ensure that all components fall into purpose designed inaccessible holes when removed.
The seats should be ergonomically designed to provide the maximum discomfort.
The lights should fail at random intervals and provide no clues as to the reason.
All diagnostics should be written in a language that only skilled linguists could hope to decipher.
No Triumph shall go for more than 1000 miles without causing some form of mutilation to its owner.

That said what does the Triumph car actually do? Well it periodically runs, it can sometimes go long distances without becoming the land based equivalent of the Exxon Valdez, it can turns heads wherever it goes by the simple emission of significant levels of low frequency sound, and most of all it can generate the type of attachment that only the owner can understand. Who in God's name would knowingly buy a car that has the windscreen wiper mechanism of a Spitfire or the overheating problems of a Stag? I'll tell you who, the Illinois Sports Car Association, thats who. An unsung collection of folks from all walks of life. Who shares a dementia, keeping their Triumphs running. How they achieve this is by working as a group, sharing tools, resources, handy addresses of mental care providers and regular tetanus inoculations. Most weekends you'll find them under, over and sometimes even in, Triumphs. A happier group of people you would be hard pushed to find.

To get the full Triumph experience you have to buy one. Notice I said buy not drive. I make this distinction as I firmly believe you don't own a Triumph, you suffer it. I think all Triumph meetings should start with the words " My name is Dave and I have a Stag", in response the group mutter in unison, "welcome Dave, we feel your pain." I bought one, which I rode in once and never drove; it still cost me $3500. Was it worth it? You bet your ass it was because it allowed me to meet the ISOA folks.

The ISOAans, lets make them a tribe shall we? Are similar to the Freemasons in that you don't know who they are. You could be looking at one right now and never know it. Sometimes you can suspect someone is of that ilk by closely examining the knuckles and fingertips, if heavily scarred then you might be onto something. They tend to congregate wherever there is the smell of oil, beer and blood. Many live in remote locations and travel in the early hours waking entire communities as they go by, for some reason people complain about jets but not Triumphs, I wonder why. If one of them is in trouble a whole support system kicks into action, only FEMA rivals its level of sophistication. They carry every tool imaginable and some that aren't; no one knows why as the car generally ends up on a trailer. Maybe it's the effort that counts not the result. If you listen closely you hear exchanges like:
"Damn, I wish I had a flange compressor with me."
"I had one but it caught fire spontaneously."
Or
"My brake line is shot"
"Use twine it gives better results than the standard parts"

Sometimes the car can be fixed and this is when you see what ISOA is all about, knowledgeable people appear as if by magic and tools in a similar manner. You'll see lots of legs and asses, hear plenty of swearing and smell - well lets not got into that shall we. Stuff will fall to the ground and make an untidy pile only to be picked up dusted off and replaced by the heads and asses. After an in determinant time a cry will go out - "Try turning her over"

There will either be:

A roar of an engine revving way beyond its tolerances the sound going up the scale until only dogs can hear it.
A scream because no one told the guy under the car they were doing this
A dance of jubilation that nothing has blown up
Silence

If it's silence then the heads and asses will reappear and all will begin again. Notice there is no call to AAA, this is a self-contained community and they take care of their own.

On other occasions the tribe wander out to meet with other communities who have similar interests in other makes of torture devices. Here they wander around poking fun at lesser vehicles and drinking heavily. You'll generally find them at the periphery of the action under a tree. It is apparent that they use a tree and a lavatory for similar purposes. On these occasions huge amounts of chili-based food are provided and consumed with the resultant release of methane. Some say it is a defense mechanism but I believe it's a form of communication, the person that consumes the most generally is the alpha/fattest member of the tribe and therefore can provide the most leverage when needed in the maintenance aspect of their behavior. That person can be readily located by following the trail of watering eyes and coughing. This is not dissimilar to the chemical trails left by ants.

In short they seem to base their entire relationship on shared suffering. As this is self-imposed they have a bond that is so strong that I wouldn't be surprised if it defied death. I KNOW my Stag was haunted by its previous owner and suspect that all of them are in some shape or form. This bond allows for them to become the warm, helpful and happy people they are today. Siobhan and I are fortunate to know them.

by Dave James